A consequence of Grief

What does it mean for someone to be in grief? As a therapist, I learned about the “stages of grief.” We went through those stages and came out the other end. Well, that may be true for the “normies.” So much of psychology addresses the “normies” and the “not-so-normies.” However, even though I was a licensed therapist and a therapist all my adult life, I never really felt like one of those “normies.” And I knew I was NOT a “not normie” in that perspective.
What is “normal” grieving? Well, it seems different for everyone. I do not know what the “variables” make for a normal grieving process. I can, however, speak to you about mine.
It seems I lost my previous organized self to my grieving process. The self I had been and was what others knew and loved was no longer available! She disappeared into a process that laid me out like a fish. A fish flopping on the ground in a combination of overwhelming loss and a disruption process that was impossible for an extended period. Why? I don’t know. Maybe I was not that firmly wrapped, to begin with! At this point, that seems obvious! Perhaps that’s why I have always been so effective, first as a therapist, a teacher, a facilitator, and now as a life coach. I never “bought” any of the models as the natural only and final truth about my clients and myself…my main client!
As the disruption rippled through, I had a kind of experience of being very open, very raw without the filters I was used to. Everything was waving through me, and I had very intense, light and dark experiences. I experienced attacks where I could only describe the event as dark spirits or demonic. I was held down in bed and choked and battled for my own life with a spiritual force in myself that has always been formidable. After this, a neighbor verified a man had committed suicide in my home before choking his wife. She had denied all of this when I first asked her, but as the experience repeated, she admitted having lied to me. She did not want me to move out!
Eventually, a near-death experience from “sepsis” led to all of those types of “entities” being removed. By a Golden Energy Body who I felt was the CHRIST. He pulled me in and held me until my pain left. That pain has never returned. Please see a previous blog on that experience if you are interested.
In most psychological models, this is psychosis. But I knew where I was, what I was, how I was, and what it was and engaged my battles alone. Stan Groff used to tell us the difference between a person with a mental health condition, and a mystic is the mystic knows who to tell! Sometimes, I said the wrong people, hence my misdiagnosis by my support person! She meant well, though, and I believe she wanted me to come through my process unscathed. This was just one example of many pushes and misdirections from the outside. Be careful who you choose for your support when you are in such a profound experience. People can get scared and not realize it. Often, people do not know you for a lifetime and make a lot of assumptions about who you are and what your strengths and deficits might be. Their perception and beliefs can prevent them from accurately assessing what is happening.
Someone in a support role said to me, “Have you considered that you have bipolar disorder?” Deep down, I knew this was a complete misunderstanding of bipolar disorder and how it impacts someone. But I was used to that. I had seen many misdiagnosed in this way due to various disruptive processes they were going through. Very few in alternative circles’ healers and facilitators’ had seen actual bipolar disorder in a person. Many had been diagnosed with it because the same drugs that worked to stabilize a person with a bipolar disorder emotionally also stabilized all kinds of other emotional and mood disruptions. I was definitely in a “disrupted” place.
Now that my sense of humor has returned, these mistakes in my experience make me laugh. Reality can be brutal, yet it has a certain humor! Throughout my life, I have experienced verified magical events that seem impossible. I have had an apparent relationship with myself and this dream since I was young. This could be due to the severity of the childhood trauma I experienced. Whatever it is, it is vital. So when this grief came on, there was no choice but to drop to the earth and lay down; I did it. I did not listen to what others were saying about me. I just did it. I knew I would come through; if I didn’t, that was okay. I knew I was going to follow my spirit.
I have always guided clients and students; if the waves are too strong, go deeper and deeper and try to swim underneath them. In other words, swim deeper. Superficial swimming does not work in the most dangerous waters of the deepest storms. I am a lifelong trauma recovery deep sea diver, and that is where I have learned to gain stability and substance. As the waters receded at this stage, I gained a deep ground for my state of being. I experienced such an indescribable permanent, exquisite connection and understanding, and the reward is worth it for me.
For those of you still in it, entering it, or in the middle of it, please be gentle with your grief. Others may not understand you, so it is difficult to remember you are supported. Grief is the essential element of what is most human in us. What loves so deeply and unconditionally and connects us to GOD, and what is so good in us? You will come out of it eventually, like the bunny in The Velveteen Rabbit; you will look very different to those who do not understand. The challenge is to live in what is essential to us. The essence of your spirit that you came in with. You leave with that. I pray you make it out alive and do not become one of the “living superficial dead” running around the world these days.